Envy

     There, I said it, the emotion that has been hanging over me for a while now.  It's not a good emotion, it's not healthy, it's ugly, not nice, and just plain wrong.  I honestly don't know why I have been struggling with envy recently.  Maybe I am spending to much time on social media, seeing what people want others to see about their lives.  I know that social media is deceptive and often times people only post the positive things that are happening.  Maybe I am just over thinking things and overlooking the wonderful things in my life.  I don't know why envy has had such a hold on my lately, but this morning, I have declared war on this emotion in my life.

     During my devotion and prayer time this morning, I stopped and listened, really listened, to the things and people that I was praying about.  I prayed for Flint, MI....the whole situation there is just so maddening and sad.  And I realized that I have clean water in my home.  I was praying for the health of several people.  And I realized that I am mostly healthy (other than a few minor aches and pains)...and I have health insurance that will allow me to see a doctor when I am not.  I prayed for a dear friend who is looking for answers about her child that is struggling in school and with her health.  And I realized that I have a daughter who does well in school and who has no major health issues.  I stopped praying and realized that God was speaking to me.  He was showing me my blessings as I prayed for those who didn't have the very things that I have.  He has given me a plan for this war I am fighting on the emotion of envy.

     The first thing that I am doing is to restart my gratitude journal.  Each day, I will be making a list of three things that am I thankful for.  I know that each day I will be able to find three things that make me happy, that I take for granted, that are blessings to me.  I won't be doing this publicly, because the intention is not to brag or make other envious.  It is to remind myself of all the good things that I have in my life.  Because I know that I have so many good things in my life.

     The next thing that I will be doing in this battle is spending time looking up and reading Bible verses about envy.  I will be reading about what God has to say about envy and how I can fight this negative emotion.  This morning I found an article with verses about comparing myself to others.  It will be going in my faith binder to read as part of my devotional time.  I also found another article talking about habits of people who don't get jealous.  I will be reading and working on ways to incorporate them into my life.

     The last, and strongest, thing that I will be doing in this battle is praying about this emotion in my life.  I don't like envy.  I don't like the way that it makes me feel.  I feel ugly and petty even admitting that I am struggling with envy.  But I feel like the only way to fight this emotion is to admit it, to say it out loud, and then to give it to God, really give it to Him.  I have tried, but it hasn't been working....because I have been fighting alone.  I haven't wanted to let Him fight this battle for me.  I keep thinking that I can do this better than anyone, including God, but it hasn't been working.

     In writing this, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  We all have our struggles, this just happens to be mine right now.  I don't want anyone to not tell me about the great things going on in your life.  I really am happy for you!  I want nothing but great things for my family and friends.  I just need to work on counting all of my blessing each and every day.  The one thing that I ask of you, is that you pray with me as I work on overcoming this green-eyed monster.  I am tired of my joy being taken by such an ugly emotion!

Messages to Me

     A few days ago while listening to talk radio, the host asked people what advice they would give to their younger selves.  It's not a new concept, but it started me thinking what I would say to my younger self at various stages of my life.  The messages wouldn't go away, so I thought that I would share them.

Dear High School Nancy:  Be yourself.  You don't have to be loud to fit in.  Everyone else has the same fears and insecurities that you do, they just don't show it.  You are an awesome person, just the way that you are.  Be proud of who you are!  Learn to crochet when Grandma tries to teach you.  You will regret not doing this some day.

Dear College Nancy:  Stop rushing.  Enjoy this time of your life.  These people that you are getting to know see you as you are...the good, the bad, the ugly.  Many of them will be there for you the rest of your life.  You don't need to make all the decisions about your life right now, take time to explore all the options that are open to you.  Don't tie yourself down to one person so soon.

Dear 20's Nancy:  Be Independent.  Don't make decisions based on other people.  Do want you really want to do, not what you think that you should do.  Don't think that you will be able to change people that don't want to change.  Do what you love and don't let others lead you away from that.  You are really good at what you do, don't ever forget that.

Dear 30's Nancy:  It gets better.  You are only as old as you think you are, so don't let thirty get you down....after all twenty-ten still equals thirty.  Get the tattoo that you want for your birthday.  Listen to your gut.  When you know that something isn't right for you, change.  Don't stay in situations that are not good for you.  Think about what makes you happy and pursue it!  Be bold!

Dear 40's Nancy:  Trust God.  There will be some darkness, but there will be so much more joy.  Spend time with the ones that you love.  Invest time in your marriage.  Shut off the computer and get out into the world.  Explore your surroundings.  Stop worrying because worry can't change things.  Get involved with something, anything, that makes you happy.  It's going to be okay.

     Hindsight is always 20/20.  It's easy to sit now and give myself this advice, but I know that I wouldn't have listened.  I made the best decsions that I could make at the time.  The mistakes that I made, the choices that I made, have brought me to where I am now.  And really, I like the person that I have become.  I like the life that I have now.  It isn't perfect by any means, but it is perfectly me!

Seek

"Ask and it shall be given to you;

Seek and you will find;

Knock and the door will be opened to you"

Matthew 7:7

     As I have been  thinking about my word for the year, an old word kept coming back to me, seek.  A few years ago, I was sure that seek was going to be my word.  Instead, Jim suggested a family word for us and I knew that balance was what I needed at the time.  I wasn't sure until this morning when I sat down for some quiet reading and praying what my word would be for the year.  Four different verses that I came across in various readings used the word seek.  How do I argue when God is putting the word in front of me pretty clearly!

     The dictionary defines the word seek as to search or try to find someone or something, to ask for help, to try to get or achieve something.  I do feel that I am searching right now...seeking my purpose, my role in many things right now.  I know that I am always seeking direction for my career, such as it is.  I have been going through some transitions at work and there are many more to come.  Am I where I need to be or do I need to seek some changes there?  As always, I seek balance in my life.  That word, that state of balance, seems to be something that I continually reach for.  Sometimes I am successful and other times not so much,  but it is always the goal.    Asking for help is not always one of my strong points, I like to do things on my own.  Maybe my word will lead me to reach out to others more often when I am struggling.  

     I don't know where exactly I will end up with the word seek guiding me this year.  That's one of the things I love about having a word, I don't know exactly how it will apply to my life, but is always seems to in some way.  Today, I received a pretty clear message that 2016 will be a year for me to seek out new things.  I don't know if I will be like Star Trek, seeking out new life and civilizations, but I do hope to go boldly into the year as I seek!

     

Back to Ordinary

   Today I woke up and got Delainey ready for school, packed her lunch, made breakfast, and fixed her hair.  We made it to school on time with minimal fighting!  I made a pot of coffee and planned my day off.  I have dinner in the crock pot, the dishwasher running, and laundry in the washer and dryer.  I might go see Jim on his lunch break to visit with him.  Nothing special, just ordinary times at our house.

     Later today, I will be taking our Christmas tree down.  I usually take it down the weekend after Christmas, but this year I wanted to leave it up for the 12 days of Christmas.  Last night after dinner, I gave Jim and D a small gift to celebrate Epiphany.  The gifts weren't elaborate, just a drawing book, ink pens, and highlighters for each of them to put in their "war bags" as Jim calls them.  As I take down the tree, I want to take my time this year.  I want to remember the Christmas's of our past as I look at each ornament.  I want to savor the memories that each one brings to mind.  I want to reflect on why my family really celebrates the season the way that we do each year.  Of course, my least favorite part will be hauling it all out to the shed to store until next Christmas!

     Then it will be time to put the house back in its ordinary order.  Time to move the furniture back to it's ordinary places.  Delainey has been asking me to teach her to sew.  When the sewing machine gets moved back to its home, her first project will be learning to hem the curtains that Santa brought (not sure why he didn't just measure first).  Again, nothing special will be happening, just back to ordinary.  It will be nice to once again have family pictures out that were put away to make room for the Christmas decorations.

     I love the ordinary times that we have in our life.  I love the season of Advent...a time of preparing.  I love Christmas...a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  I love the rituals and celebrations of those two seasons.  But mostly, I love the ordinary times of life...the times of making breakfast, spending time with family and friends, being quiet, reading, watching tv, just living life as it comes, day by ordinary day.

Indiana State Parks turn 100!

     This is so not what I was planning to write about today, but I saw something on Facebook this morning and I had to share the information.  The Indiana State Library has teamed up with the Indiana State Parks to offer state park entrance passes that can be checked out at local libraries!  Anyone with a library card (which is free), will have free access to the state parks in Indiana for 2016.  I think that this is an amazing opportunity for people to check out the fantastic state parks in Indiana.

     Anyone who knows me and my family, knows that we are huge fans of the state parks in Indiana.  We make it a point each year to visit several throughout out the state.  The fee to most of the state parks is $7 per carload (for instate cars), my family buys a $50 pass that is good for the entire year to all the state parks in Indiana.  We get our moneys worth every year because we visit so many of the parks.

     We live just down the road from Spring Mill State Park.  We go there to hike on a regular basis.  We love the easy hike around the lake, but there are some that are more challenging.  Delainey did her photography project for 4H at Pioneer Village.  We make use of the pool several times during the summer.  And while our house was getting sprayed due to a flea infestation, we stayed at Spring Mill Inn.  I have friends who spend their anniversary each year at Spring Mill.

     For my fiftieth birthday celebration, we went to a new to us park, Lincoln State Park.  We had a picnic lunch, hiked, and enjoyed nature.  Delainey and I went swimming in the lake, while Jim found a quiet place to fish (yes he fished in the same lake where we were swimming, fish live in lakes...).  It was a perfect way to celebrate my birthday.  I have camped at Clifty Falls State Park several times, with my family and friends. The trails at Clifty are awesome, some follow Clifty Creek and lead to a water fall, a beautiful sight to behold!  My boys, who were not big on hiking, even enjoyed the hike that took us through the creek, great on a hot day!

     Turkey Run State Park has been part of my life since high school.  My girls group at church went camping there each year.  The day after prom one year was spent there.  One year our family vacation was going to be spent at Turkey Run.  The heat sent us home after a day though...100 degree heat in a tent with no fans or air was to much for us!  My girlfriends and I camped there one weekend.  We can laugh about it now, but we went tubing down Sugar Creek during a drought.  If you want to do that, make sure that the water levels are high enough so that you don't have to walk most of the trip...it would have been fun tubing, but walking, not so much!

     My favorite hidden gem of a state park is Fort Harrison.  Fort Harrison is a state park in Indianapolis.  You don't expect such a secluded place in the city, but it's there.  I wrote about Fort Harrison earlier this year, so I won't repeat myself, but it truly is worth the visit.  So many precious memories of my family have taken place at Fort Harrison.

     I could talk all day about the state parks in Indiana.  I went on a field trip in third grade to the Indiana Dunes State Park (my mom was the rebel chaperon that let us stick our feet into the water).  During a rough spot in our marriage, Jim and I took a trip to Brown County State Park that helped us reconnect and take time out from the difficulties that we were facing.  I went on a youth group retreat to Pokagon State Park.  I have been hiking at McCormick's Creek, Falls of the Ohio, Shades, and Versailles.  Each park has its own identity, something that makes it special.

     If you haven't been to a state park in Indiana, take some time in 2016 to visit one.  Go to the library and check out an entrance pass.  Spend the day getting back to nature.  Enjoy the hiking, the fresh air, the sounds of the woods, the time with your family.  This is a great opportunity that we have this year.  Celebrate 100 years of Indiana State Parks with some of the special activities that are being planned this year!  I know that I will be there with my family!

Letting Go

     2015 is coming to an end.  As the year closes, we are all taking time at our house to let go of some of our things that we no longer want or need.  We don't go crazy with Christmas gifts, but we do need to make room for the new items that we received.  Jim let go of some of his jeans and tee shirts.  Delainey actually donated some of her stuffed animals.  I need to check out my closet to see what I no longer wear.

     I struggle to let go of things that have sentimental value to me.  I don't want to let go of things that have been given to me.  I have things that don't blend with my style that I am keeping.  I talked before about purging my things, but I have been at a stand still lately.  I need to go back to what my friend Deb talked about on her blog, keeping things that bring me joy.  I don't need to keep the things to remind me of people, I have the memories...and I can always take pictures.

     I have a good friend who is doing the hard work of pruning the negative from her life.  That hard work is not just getting rid of things, but people as well.  I admire her so much, it takes courage to do what she is doing.  I don't do drama in my life, but it seems that drama has been creeping in through various people.  I need to evaluate those relationships and see if they can become more positive.  If not, then I need to decide what I will allow in my life.

     I am on vacation for the next week.  I need to do spend some time doing the hard work of letting go.  I need to evaluate what brings me joy and what is just sitting around taking up space.  I need to look at the drama and see if it can be turned around.  I need to enjoy my vacation and at the same time, take a look at what I want to take with me into 216.

Strangers

     I know that we need to keep our kids (and ourselves) safe, but have we taken "stranger danger" to an extreme?  Are we so afraid to step out of our box and speak to strangers that we are missing out?  How do we strike a balance between speaking to strangers and keeping safe?  I don't know the answers, but I was glad that I welcomed two strangers into my world this week.

     The first stranger was a customer in the store where I work.  I don't often interact with the customers due to the nature of my job, but during the holidays I spend less time time doing "my" job and more time on the sales floor.  I was on a ladder when I sneezed.  I don't have a tiny little sneeze...I have been known to wake my family when I sneeze.  A customer gave me a "bless you" and I apologized in case I startled her.  We had a silly conversation about sneezes that made me smile.  You know that you have met one of your people she tells that if she is going to pee when she sneezes, the sneeze should be a big one!

     The second stranger that I met was during a tornado warning.  We don't have a safe place in our house during storms, but we live close to our church, which has a basement.  D and I grabbed the dog, Pink Bear, and Mrs. Hannon and headed to our church to wait out the storm.  There was another car in the parking lot.  I invited the lady in her car in to share our shelter.  As we waited out the storm, we chatted.  She shared with me the story of her miraculous healing from cancer.  After being told there wasn't much hope or many treatment options left for her, her husband had a dream that she was cured.  She had a PET scan done.  The scan showed that her tumor, which at the end of her radiation and chemo was still the size of a small ball, was completely gone.  She has been completely cancer free for almost 16 years.  Her doctors couldn't explain it, but she could...she received a miracle.

     Two strangers.  Two completely different conversations, but both left me with a smile.  All because I stepped out of my box and opened myself to a conversation with a stranger.  Maybe it's time to open myself up more to strangers and let them into my world.