Sunday, October 2, 2016

Square Peg

     When Delainey was little she had this toy.  I bet that many people had one similar to this.  She would try and try to make the shapes fit.  Sometimes she would make one fit into a hole that wasn't truly its match by putting it in sideways, but it was a struggle.  The shapes went in to their homes easiest if they found the matching hole.  Lately, I have been feeling a lot like this game...struggling to find my place.  

     To be honest, I have always felt this way to an extent.  Maybe it's because we moved around when I was younger.  Maybe it's because I have moved around so much as an adult.  Maybe it's just the way that I am wired.  I am not sure.  Sometimes I can go along and not notice the feeling, but other times, like now, it's almost overwhelming.  I know that I have my place with my family, I don't question that.  What I question is my place within my various groups of friends.  Do I belong in those groups?  Am I a valued friend?  Am I being a good friend to people?  I wonder how many of us question ourselves like this.  Why do we question ourselves like this?

     I love social media, but it is a blessing and a curse.  I love that I am able to keep up with friends that I haven't seen in years.  The flip side of that is seeing all the people who get together with each other and I am not included.  Much of that is my fault.  There are times that I am invited to get together with friends, but either the timing doesn't work for me or there is too much distance to cover for me to attend.  And heck, sometimes, I just don't have the finances to make it happen.  But there are other times that I am not invited, or invited as an afterthought.  It hurts and it makes me question the strength of those bonds.  And I know that sometimes, I just over think things.

     I know that my worth doesn't come from the people around me.  I know that, but we all want to be included.  We all want to be accepted for who we are.  We don't want to have make ourselves fit by turning ourselves around.  Well, at least I do any way, I guess I shouldn't use the term we.  I don't know the solution for me.  Maybe I need to limit my use of social media.  Maybe I need to strengthen the bonds that I have already created in my life.  Maybe I need to spend some time looking within to see why I feel this way.  

     Please don't think that I wrote this looking for sympathy or reassurance.  I have had this in my head and heart for a while and it helps me to put things in writing.  I just want to be honest with my feelings...and since this is my blog, this is where it goes!  I know that I am loved, but I don't always feel that I belong....and I am not sure that makes any sense at all!  Just like Delainey did with her shape toy, I will keep working until I am able to fit into my space easily.