Time Flies

 Where has the time gone?  Fifteen years ago, I was heading to the hospital early in the morning.  Jim and I watched 'The Quiet Man'.  I visited with my mom.  We listened to Jimmy Buffet.  And at 9:02. Dr. Gates announced that Delainey had finally arrived.  That long day has turned into very short years!

When she was little she was sweet and sassy, determined to do things herself, but she still wanted us by her side.  She had a temper, but it didn't last long.  She had a heart of gold.  She loved to dance and be silly.  Her Pink Bear was always with her.  She loved music and Barbie movies.

Today, she is still the same girl.  She is still sweet and sassy.  I worry that her sassiness will get her in trouble, but it seems that she knows just how sassy she can be!  She is such a determined person.  She wanted a room make over.  Jim and I don't like painting, so she spent yesterday painting her bedroom.  She still has a temper, but it still doesn't last long...she has a forgiving heart.  She still spins and dances at home, but I don't think that she does much public dancing.  Pink Bear...let's just say she's looking very loved after fifteen years.  Music is her passion although Barbie movies are a thing of the past.

I am not one to cry over the past.  I have loved the past fifteen years of watching my girl grow.  There were some rough times, but we got through them.  I am sure that there will be rough patches in the future. I enjoy spending time with her, because not only do I love her, but I genuinely like her!  I am looking forward to what the next year brings in her life.  I try to remember that the days are long, but the years are short.  On  Delainey's birthday, that seems more true than ever.

Grace

a virtue coming from God

a temporary exemption; reprieve

the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful*

 I have been thinking a lot about grace lately.  I almost chose it for my word of the year, but it just didn't seem like the right one.  I am struggling to give grace easily.  I have to remind myself to give grace. As my friend said the other day, Grace seems to be staying home and avoiding people these days.  More than ever, we need to give grace to so many people.  I know that I need to be given grace daily as well.

I work in retail.  I don't deal with the public in my position often, but when I do...it's hard.  It's hard to walk by a maskless person and not give them stink-eye.  I know that there are some people who cannot wear a mask, but most of the people I see just don't want to wear one.  I get it, not everyone thinks that they work.  But what if they do?  What does it harm someone to wear one for the short time that they are in a store shopping?  Grace...I need to give it to everyone, not just the people doing what I think they should be doing.  

I belong to a few groups that discuss elder care and families.  There are people in those groups who feel putting someone in long term care is the worst thing that you could do to someone you love.  I struggle to give those people grace.  Each person has different circumstances in their life and no situation is the same.  Honestly, we didn't think that we would be faced with this either.  But at some point, we had to think about the safety of everyone in our family.  It was the right choice for us and I know that we aren't alone in making that hard choice.  I try to give grace to those who think we have done the wrong thing, just I hope they are giving us the same grace.  

I have been learning to give myself grace as well.  I had some pretty lofty hiking goals for myself this month.  Between the weekend weather, family commitments, and some health things, I didn't reach my goal.  It's okay though, a new month is coming so I can set some new goals.  I don't need to beat myself up for what I didn't accomplish, but should find joy in the hikes that I did take.  Grace means giving myself a break.

Grace is hard.  We want everyone to do the right thing...as long as it is our right thing.  That isn't how grace works though.  Grace is considerate. Grace is thoughtful.  Grace is a virtue from God.  Just imagine how different life would be if we all gave grace to others.  I can't speak for anyone else, but I will be trying to give grace to all.  I won't always succeed, but I will keep trying.  I hope that I am given the same grace by others. 

*definition by Merriam-Webster

Hard Things

No, I am not going to talk about 2020, I did that already.  I am not going to talk about what's going on in the world, I just don't have the words.  We have been dealing with some hard things here at home, but we have faced them.  Hopefully we are succeeding! 

I was asked to write something.  I enjoy writing, but it's been a really long time since I was given a topic write about.  Usually I write whatever is on my mind.  I tried to write about any of the topics that I was given, but I struggled.  I was ready to say no, but then I remembered my word for the year...Willing.  Saying no is okay, but I want to be willing to do things that are hard.  I thought back to what an author I know has said about writing...just do a little each day.  I prayed and then shut off all the distraction around me.  The words mostly came and I think they are going to work.  I am still working on the ending, but I know it will come.  

Jim has a fear of dentists, like many of us.  He had a bad experience when he was a child so he puts things off until he just can't anymore.  Thursday he did a hard thing and had several procedures done.  Then he turned around and went to work Friday.  Most of us would have been in bed for a couple of days, but Jim is like that.  He isn't finished, but I know that he will continue.

D went back to school for a new semester.  Because of several events beyond anyone's control, her schedule had to be changed.  She has a couple of classes that only meet during a certain period, which limits her flexibility.  She had some periods with no classes and some with two classes.  She met with her counselor and they came up with some solutions.  Jim and I were part of the discussion, but she had the final say in what she is doing.  She is now taking eight classes instead of seven...two of them virtually.  There will be days that it might seem overwhelming, but she is prepared to put in the work needed.

Probably the hardest thing this week is knowing we can't be physically with Jim's mom right now.  She fell earlier in the week and fractured her hip.  She had surgery Thursday.  Because of COVID, we can't see her at the hospital. She has Alzheimer's and is alone in a strange place.  I am sure that she is in pain, confused and lonely.  It's hard.  We have to trust that the hospital staff is taking care of all her needs.  But it's still a hard thing.

In the big scheme of things, these aren't huge.  We will encounter harder things in life.  The little hard things prepare us for the bigger hard things.  We lean on each other when we have hard things in our life.  We trust that God has a plan for us in these hard things.  We know that hard things will pass...and we will be glad that they are over.   Personally, I am glad that this week is over and I am ready for a new week with fewer hard things happening.

The Word is...

My word for 2021 hasn't been an easy process.  Some years, I just know that the word is right.  Other years I pick a word and doesn't fit.  I struggled.  I found a worksheet that asks questions and lists goals that I have for the upcoming year.  I thought about reusing balance...one of my favorite words ever.  It didn't feel right.  I have used the word intentional before and that's one that kept coming back to me.  I began to look at synonyms for intentional.  Some of the those are good words: determined, deliberate, willing, calculated, intended, conscious.

The dictionary became my friend next in the process.  Determined-make a firm decision and not change...sounds to rigid for my word.  Deliberate-unhurried and methodical, done on purpose...close to what I want.  Willing-done or given readily or gladly...sounds good.  Calculate sounds to much like math.  Intended makes me think of marriage.  Conscious is to hard to say and spell (seriously a thought for me).  Maybe I need to switch gears.

My next list of words in my journal:  Fearless-nope, not the year for that.  Focus-a reused word again.  Mindful-conscious or aware of something, focusing awareness on the present moment...good one. Commit-be dedicated.  Strive-make great efforts to achieve...I like this.  Believe-to accept as true...I like this, but it isn't feeling right.  Journey-a long and difficult process of personal change...scary!

I kept marking no on words as I would read and pray over them.  I brought my list down to four:  Deliberate, Willing, Commit, Strive.  They all have similar meanings and applications, but one just kept standing out due to one word in the definition...gladly.  I do things that are the "right" thing to do, but do I always do them in the right frame of mind?  Do I do things gladly?  

Willing:

done, given, etc., readily or gladly

Because of that one word, gladly, Willing is my word for 2021.  I want to live in the year doing or giving gladly.  I want to be a willing participant in what is happening to me and around me.  I feel like I have often let things happen and just gone with the flow of life, which isn't a bad thing,  but I want to be willing to make the changes that I feel are necessary for me.  I want make those changes gladly!

Stay tuned.  One of the things that I want to do this year is write.  Writing about my word tends to keep my accountable.  I have a goal sheet sheet that I am hoping will help me focus this year.  As always, I have people in my life who help keep me accountable and on the right path!  Here's to 2021, the year of being willing!

Lessons Learned

  2020 was hard...everyone knows that.  But there were lessons learned and growth happened. Things fell by the wayside this year and other things became important.  There were many things that were missed, they can't be replaced.  For many people, priorities shifted.  This was all true in my household.

Jim and I learned that we can do things that we never thought possible.  I am not a nurse.  I don't want to be a nurse, although I think Jim would be a good one.  We became caretakers in a major way for his parents for several months.  It wasn't easy, but I am glad that we did what we did for them.  Their care became pretty intense until we finally weren't able to continue.  Putting them into long term care was hard, but we can honestly say that we did all that we could to keep them home for as long as we were able.  

I have become more appreciative of the quietness.  I have always craved quiet time, but didn't realize how little I was getting until recently.  When there is a family of 5 in the house, including two that are basically housebound, you don't get to be alone often.  It's been nice to be alone.  

I have missed the physical act of going to church.  I miss teaching Sunday school.  We still attend church virtually, but it's different.  I am happy that we have the technology, but I look forward to the day when we can worship physically together.  D misses youth group and Sunday School.  There have been so many people who have worked to keep the youth connected, but it's not the same.  Technology doesn't replace being face to face with people.

Technology is a wonderful thing.  D has teachers that have worked so hard to connect with her.  Virtual learning is not perfect...there is still a long way to go, but in our case, it has been successful.  D has been able to use Google meets, Zoom game nights, and video calls to keep in touch.  Marco Polo has continued to let me see the faces and hear the voices of my friends.

I have enjoyed hiking with my family.  We spent time out in the woods, just the three of us.  I have come to realize that summer is my least favorite time to hike.  Yes, it's pretty and green, but it's also hot.  I don't like to sweat.  Winter, spring, and fall hiking is my thing!  We spent time at several state parks and forests this year.  I am already looking and planning hikes for the next year.

I spent time reading this year.  I didn't spend time on other hobbies.  That's okay.  I read some things that pushed me out of my comfort zone.  I put down books that I didn't like...time is to short to read a book that isn't holding my interest.  I have books on my list to read for next year already.  There are so many books and just not enough time.

I spent time organizing and cleaning.  I have hoarding tendencies...don't most of us?  I gave up things that are just taking up space.  I have more to do, but I know that I can do it!  Everyone in my house has spent time time cleaning and purging this year.  It felt good and as we continue, it will feel even better. My goal is to keep the things that make me happy and give the rest to someone else.

I missed vacations this year, but it was the right thing to do.  Instead we took a few little trips to places that we felt safe.  We stayed outside more and I haven't missed going to stores...much.  There are days that I want to go out and shop, but it wasn't necessary, so I didn't.  Or I shopped online.  I am not saying that we avoided going to stores, but we have been very selective about where and when we go.  

A dear friend says often that the days are long, but the years are short.  There were days that felt like they would never end, but in reality, this year has flown past.  2020 kicked my butt in so many ways, but I am still here and looking forward to what the future holds for me.

Fourteen Years Ago

     Fourteen years ago, I didn't know who the Wiggles were.  I was clueless about the Doodlebops.  I knew which Disney princess was which, but I didn't have their stories committed to memory.  I never sat down to watch an episode of Wild Kratts.  I never thought that I would watch a show called Little Einsteins.  As a matter of fact, fourteen years ago, there were channels on tv that I would have never turned on.

     Fourteen years ago, the color pink wasn't featured predominantly in my house.  I didn't have Barbies (and Barbie movies), American Girl dolls, and Precious Moments figurines all over the place.  I didn't have every ingredient on hand to make slime.  I didn't have arts and craft supplies ready at a moments notice.  I didn't panic if a certain bear wasn't found at bedtime.

     Fourteen years ago, I didn't know about marching band and color guard.  I didn't know about horse riding and swim lessons.  I didn't know about 4H projects, fair entries, and all the work that it takes to get from an idea to a blue ribbon project.  I didn't know about hand chime choirs, National History Day competitions, robotics meets, and poetry readings.

     Fourteen years ago, I didn't know about sleepovers, movie marathons, and shopping with teenagers.  I didn't know how much girls can giggle and eat.  I didn't know what kind of mess that gets left behind after a sleepover.  I didn't know how loud a music practice room can be when everyone is practicing a different song.  I didn't know about working concessions stands and bonding with people over nachos with cheese.

     Fourteen years ago, I didn't have any idea how much my life would be changing.  I didn't know that I would be able to clean up vomit without getting sick myself.  I didn't know that someone else's pain would make me cry.  I didn't know that my mom's words would be coming out of my mouth.  I didn't know that my heart could hold so much love.

     Fourteen years ago it all changed.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Least of These

     Jim and I went on a date Saturday night.   We don't get out alone very often.  D is generally with us when we do things.  She is at an age where she is old enough to stay home alone, but in our house, she wouldn't actually be alone.  Jim's parents live with us.  Normally it would be great to have built in sitters for our family.  When they lived with us six years ago, it worked out very well.  But then changes happened.

     Jim's mom has Alzheimer's.  It is a terrible disease.  She used to be a hard working, smart lady.  This disease has taken so much from her.  She has forgotten how to do many of the things that she did in the past.  Jim's dad had a stroke three years ago.  He used to be a very physical man.  He worked hard and was very independent.  The stroke has taken his independence and many of his physical abilities. They both get frustrated with what they can't do.  And that frustration sometimes comes with loud, angry words from both of them.  And that's why we don't go out alone very often...we don't want to leave her home alone in an atmosphere that can be unpleasant at times.

     But Saturday night we had a date night.  Luckily, the home front was peaceful for the evening.  Jim and I went to a local community theater for dinner and a show with some friends.  We saw the musical Godspell.  It is based on the gospel of Matthew, in a groovy sort of way.  Yes, I said groovy.  It is from the early 70's, so think hippy and groovy.  I mean, at one point Jesus and Judas do a soft shoe number.  I doubt that many people come away with a need to look up Bible verses when they get home.  But I did.

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you,

whatever you did for one of the least of these 

brothers and sisters of mine,

 you did for me."

                                                                                   Matthew 25:40

     Oh my, am I doing for the least of them, the ones who mentally or physically can't anymore?  Am I doing it willingly, with a happy heart?  Or am I doing things grudgingly because I should, because it's the right thing to do?  Honestly, I try to do for others.  I try to be helpful and show kindness.  But in my home, with people who depend on me, am I showing kindness and love?  I will very honestly tell you that the answer is no.  I can give all the excuses in the world, but it doesn't make it right.  I need to do better because He expects better from me.  So, it is time for me to grow...to show love, to be kind and compassionate, to do for the least of these.