Square Peg

     When Delainey was little she had this toy.  I bet that many people had one similar to this.  She would try and try to make the shapes fit.  Sometimes she would make one fit into a hole that wasn't truly its match by putting it in sideways, but it was a struggle.  The shapes went in to their homes easiest if they found the matching hole.  Lately, I have been feeling a lot like this game...struggling to find my place.  

     To be honest, I have always felt this way to an extent.  Maybe it's because we moved around when I was younger.  Maybe it's because I have moved around so much as an adult.  Maybe it's just the way that I am wired.  I am not sure.  Sometimes I can go along and not notice the feeling, but other times, like now, it's almost overwhelming.  I know that I have my place with my family, I don't question that.  What I question is my place within my various groups of friends.  Do I belong in those groups?  Am I a valued friend?  Am I being a good friend to people?  I wonder how many of us question ourselves like this.  Why do we question ourselves like this?

     I love social media, but it is a blessing and a curse.  I love that I am able to keep up with friends that I haven't seen in years.  The flip side of that is seeing all the people who get together with each other and I am not included.  Much of that is my fault.  There are times that I am invited to get together with friends, but either the timing doesn't work for me or there is too much distance to cover for me to attend.  And heck, sometimes, I just don't have the finances to make it happen.  But there are other times that I am not invited, or invited as an afterthought.  It hurts and it makes me question the strength of those bonds.  And I know that sometimes, I just over think things.

     I know that my worth doesn't come from the people around me.  I know that, but we all want to be included.  We all want to be accepted for who we are.  We don't want to have make ourselves fit by turning ourselves around.  Well, at least I do any way, I guess I shouldn't use the term we.  I don't know the solution for me.  Maybe I need to limit my use of social media.  Maybe I need to strengthen the bonds that I have already created in my life.  Maybe I need to spend some time looking within to see why I feel this way.  

     Please don't think that I wrote this looking for sympathy or reassurance.  I have had this in my head and heart for a while and it helps me to put things in writing.  I just want to be honest with my feelings...and since this is my blog, this is where it goes!  I know that I am loved, but I don't always feel that I belong....and I am not sure that makes any sense at all!  Just like Delainey did with her shape toy, I will keep working until I am able to fit into my space easily.

Sleep

     When did something so natural, so essential, become such a difficult thing for so many people?  Without sleep, we can't function.  Our bodies need sleep.  Our minds need sleep.  So why are so many of us struggling to sleep through the night?  And even when we sleep, why are so many of us waking up each morning just as tired as when we went to bed.

     I have always been able to fall asleep quickly and easily.  Sleep has always been easy for me.  I don't suffer from insomnia like so many people I know.  But, for the last few months, I have been struggling to stay awake.  I go to sleep easily...at any time of the day or night.  But when I wake up, I am still exhausted.  I can't make it through the day without a nap.  Jim has told me that I now snore.  I don't think that I used to snore, but some nights he has to sleep on the couch because I am so loud.  He has also said that I jerk throughout the night, almost as if I am waking up.

     I know many people who need to take medication at night to sleep.  What is causing them to not be able to sleep?  Many of them have told me that they can't get their mind to shut off.  How do you quiet the thoughts in your mind?  Many have tried meditation and relaxation techniques before bed.  Sometimes they work, other times they don't.  Others try reading until their minds stop focusing on all the little things of the day.  Again, sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.  Why are some people able to calm their brains and others cannot?

     I know other people who swear by yoga or other relaxation techniques to calm their minds and bodies.  Again, it works for some and not for others.  Delainey and I sometimes play the relaxation game before she goes to bed.  I talk her through a series of relaxing her body and letting all the tension leave, starting with her toes and working all the up through her body.  Sometimes it helps her, other times she struggles to sleep. She has been this way since she was little.  I hate that she struggles to do something that should be natural.  I know other parents who have the same struggle with their children.

     Then there are people who sleep easily, but wake up throughout the night.  Menopause can cause many women to have this problem.  There are medications to help us go through menopause, but it is a balancing act to find what works for each person...there is no magic formula that is one size fits all.  Sometimes we wake up soaking wet from night sweats and have to cool off before we are able to get back to sleep.  Other times, we can't cool off and get back to sleep at all.  And I won't even talk about new parents who get woken up all night long because baby needs feed, a new diaper, or just misses mom and dad!

     I will be seeing my doctor soon to discuss the results of a sleep study that I did a while ago.  I hope that he will give me some answers for my exhaustion.  I am sure that Jim is tired of hearing me snore and kick him throughout the night.  And Delainey would be happy if I didn't feel the need to take a nap every afternoon.  Me...I just want to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning ready to start the day.

Change is Coming....

     Everyone who knows me knows that I hate change.  I am pretty sure that I have talked about it more than once on this blog.  I know that I have said it over and over.  But I am getting better at adapting to it.  Maybe it's because I am older and wiser (ha!).  Maybe because I know that it is going to happen whether I like it or not.  Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I know that in the long run, change is good for me.

     For the last five and a half years, Jim has worked ten minutes from home.  He has been in charge of Delainey's morning routine...getting her up in the mornings, taking her to daycare, and being the parent closest to school if there is an emergency.  Starting Tuesday, that will be changing.  Jim has taken on a new challenge with his company.  He is leaving the store that he opened and going to a bigger store about forty minutes from home.  He will be gone from home a little more now due to the longer drive that he has...he is looking forward to being able to "read" books on cd again!  It will be a change for him, but I know that he is up to the challenge.  There will be some adjustments for all of us with his new position, but I know that we will adapt...that's what we do!

     For the last five and a half years, I have worked an hour from home.  I have been in charge of the afternoon routine with Delainey...homework, chores, time to relax.  During times of school cancellations, I have been able to stay home because of the distance that I drive to work.  In the next month or so that will be changing as well.  I have accepted a position in the new store that is being built in our town.  The job will be similar to what I am doing now, but in a bigger store.  I will go back to working five days a week and I am not completely sure what my hours will be, but they will be changing.  I am looking forward to my new drive to work...ten minutes as opposed to an hour each way.  I could actually go home for lunch if I want!

     Delainey is going to be going through some transitions due to the changes that Jim and I are making.  Her mornings will change because Jim and I are pretty different with our morning routines.  We are blessed to have a friend who gets her to school in the mornings and loves our girl.  She will also have to go to an after-school program most days.  We are lucky in that there is a good after-school program in our community.  She is not looking forward to that, but she knows that this will be best for our family in the long run.  Hopefully, she will be able to do her homework then and we can focus on other things when we get home.  Delainey is a strong girl and I know that she will do well!

     The next month has the potential to be the roughest of our transition.  Jim will be in his new position, but I will not.  We will have to juggle his schedule for a while.  He will have to work more closing and midshifts until I am in my new position.  It won't be easy, but I know that we will make it happen.  I am sure that as we go through this time of transition, there will be other changes that we aren't even thinking about right now, but I know that the three of us can handle it.  There might be days that we struggle, but we made these choices as a family, knowing that in the long run, they will benefit and make our family stronger.

   

The Summer that Slipped Away!

     I had such grand plans for our summer.  Delainey and I were going to take a week to visit family and friends.  The week that Delainey went to church camp, Jim and I were going to spend time with each other...a romantic before kids week.  Vacation was going to include white water rafting and horseback riding.  I was hoping to take Delainey kayaking for a day.  Swimming trips were planned now that Delainey is able to swim without stressing out.  And I hoped to go to at least one amusement park during the summer.  It was going to be an epic adventure!

     And then life happened.  Delainey was invited to attend an enrichment summer school program...the same week as our girl trip.  She wanted to go, and who I am to tell my child that she can't go to school when she really wanted to.  She had a great time and I am so glad that she was able to enjoy the week.  Every day she was excited about what she was learning, so it was well worth the time!

     Next up was church camp.  Jim and I dropped her off for her third year of camp.  She was so excited.  This was the year that she would be able to pass her swimming test.  She would see several friends from previous years.  We gave her hugs and kisses as we left, knowing that she would be in great hands.  We never expected to get a phone call that evening from Nurse Cody telling us that D slipped in the shower.  He didn't think it was broken, but thought that we should meet at the ER just to be sure.  He was wrong...my baby broke her wrist in two places.  She was a trouper though, not much crying though I am sure it had to hurt.  Delainey and I spent the rest of the week at home, adjusting to her new cast and staying on top of the pain that she was feeling.

     Delainey and I did attend a mission camp in July.  We had a great time reaching out to others and learning more about Jesus.  Delainey wasn't able to do everything because of her cast, but again, she was a strong girl and made it through!  Our family vacation was wonderful, even without rafting or riding.  We hiked a bunch, did some touristy things, spent time as a family together and just relaxed!  I even got to hike for a mile or so on the Appalachian Trail.
   
     We didn't make it to an amusement park, we didn't hike the way we normally do during the summer.  Our outings were fewer than we had hoped.  We spent time as a family, we watched our chickens grow, we spent time just hanging out in our home.  It wasn't the epic summer that I planned...but it was maybe the summer that we needed this year.  It just slipped by much to fast!

Emmaus

     Three years ago, I was picked up by a friend, taken to dinner with several people that I didn't know, and then dropped off at the Indiana State fairgrounds, without my phone, for the weekend.  I was ready to go on an Emmaus Walk.  For lack of better words, it is a spiritual retreat, but it is so much more than that.  For those three days, I was surrounded by people who showed me the true love of God.  I wanted for nothing that weekend.  At one of the meals, I wanted a Coke to drink, but there was only Pepsi..  I said no thank you and had something else to drink.  At the next meal, someone handed me a Coke.  That's how much people went out of their way to love on me.  I listened to talks, prayed, laughed, cried, and learned just how much God loves me that weekend.  I made friends with women who were strangers.  I came home a changed person.  I wanted everyone to have the experience that I did!

     I started to pray that Jim would want to attend a Walk.  Each spring and fall, I would ask...and the answer was no, until last fall.  I was so excited.  I got him all signed up and ready to go in Indianapolis...and the Walk was canceled.  Luckily, there are Walks just like this all over the world and I was able to get him signed up for one closer to home.  And it was exactly where God wanted him to be and the exact right time for him to go.  I tell people now that when I went, it changed me, but when Jim went, it changed our family.  Jim came home wanting more.  Since his Walk, he has been seeking more God, more family, more of what God has planned not only for himself, but for our family.  It's been exciting to see him grow in his faith each day!

     I also prayed for another dear friend.  Each spring and fall, I would mention it to her, but it wasn't the right time yet.  When Jim came home, she spoke to him and was ready to go.  I was privileged to be able to sponsor her.  We haven't talked in depth, but when I picked her up Sunday, her always beautiful smile was even more so.  I could see the love just flowing from her...more than usual!  I can't wait to hear about how God will be working through her even more than He already does!  

     I was lucky enough to be able to serve a meal to both the men and women who were on this journey the last two weekends.  I could see God working already with these men and women.  For some, there was fear and anxiety about being away from families for the weekend, but it was also early in the weekend.  For others, I could already tell that they were open and ready to hear all that God had planned for them.  I prayed for these people, that they would be able to feel and know God's love just as I did three years ago.  

     Since I have been on my Walk, I seem to have found more and more people who have been a Walk of their own.  God keeps putting people in my life who have had this same experience.  I feel a bond with these people...they are more than friends, they truly feel like my brothers and sisters.  When we get together to pray, I feel that we are stronger and more than we are alone.  We have this shared experience that really is like nothing else I know.  I truly wish that everyone would be able to experience a weekend like this.  If you are interested, I can tell you more.  I would love for you to be part of my Emmaus family!

Respect

     The other day I was driving a friend home.  She told me that there was a shorter way between my house and hers, but it was over gravel roads, so she didn't take it very often in her car.  She commented that she tries to keep her car clean and in good shape to show respect to her husband who bought the car for her to use as a nice family car.  I loved the way she said that...she was showing respect to her husband by taking care of something that he bought for her.  I have never looked at things this way, but it is changing my thought process.

     My first thought was how am I modeling that kind of respect for Delainey?  I have talked before about the fact that my house is not always neat.  Putting my things away and keeping them tidy is a show of respect...to Jim and I both who work hard for what we have.  I get upset at D for not keeping her room clean and tidy... but, she is following my example.  I have talked to her a little about how not putting things away is being disrespectful.  I think that this will be a new way to talk to her about keeping things put away in our house.  She understands respect...hopefully this will be meaningful to all of us in our house.

     Next, how am I showing respect to Jim?  I know that we both work full time, but he easily works 20 hours a week more than me...including my drive time.  Do I thank him when he takes the trash out?  Do I spend time with him, just the two of us?  He does the yard work at home, what are some simple ways that I can show respect for the hard work that he does...I try to make sure that he has cool drinks, is that enough? I will have to think of ways...like keeping my car clean...to show respect to him.

     Am I showing respect to others?  Do I roll my eyes when someone talks to me?  I need to show others respect by listening to them.  I need to be fully present when talking to people..not thinking about what else I could be doing.  If I want respect from others, I need to give respect first.

     I know that I am not respecting myself lately.  Taking care of my body is the best way to show respect to myself, and I haven't done that lately.  I am working on eating better and trying to exercise. I don't get enough sleep or spend time doing the things that I enjoy.  I need to start doing better for myself.   I deserve respect as well, so I have to act accordingly.

     So in my best Aretha Franklin voice,"R E S P E C T...find out what it means to me".  I will be spending some time thinking about what respect means to me. And then, how can I show respect to my family, my self, and others.   It is definitely food for thought for me!

The Year of Mercy

     Let me start by saying that I am not Catholic.  I listen to a lot of Catholic radio, I have family members and friends who are Catholic, but I am not.  So with that being said, I love that Pope Francis has called for a Year of Mercy.  I love that so many people, both Catholic and others, are focusing on mercy.  There is so much anger and bitterness in the world, that we all can use a good dose of mercy.  But what exactly is mercy?

     A quick search of the Internet says that mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone.  It also means kindness or help given to people in a bad or desperate situation.  Martin Luther said that mercy is the first work of God.  As a member of a Methodist church, I am called to do "Works of Mercy": doing good works, visiting the sick, visiting those in prison, feeding the hungry, and giving to others (see UMC.org for more information).When I think of mercy, I think of forgiveness.  I think of kindness.  I think of a lack of anger.  I think of peace.  

     I think that I am pretty good about forgiving others.  It takes to much energy to stay angry.  I don't have enough energy to hang on to the bad things that have happened to me and go forward.  I am not sure that you can go forward if you allow the anger to grow inside.  I have people in my life that I have had to forgive in some really big ways...my biological father, my ex husband, a former boss, a close friend.  The hurt that was in my life has healed, because I forgave them.  Not because they asked for forgiveness, but because I needed to release the pain and hurt for myself.  

     I am not sure that I am as good about doing works of mercy though.  Jim and I did take a youth group to work at a soup kitchen in December (and we hope to do it again).  We are also going on a mission trip in the fall with our group.  But those are big things...where can I focus on doing smaller things that will show mercy?  We give often to Mountain Mission through our church.  There is always of box of donations in our home waiting for the next pick up.  When I am at the grocery store, how much will it take from my budget to buy a can or two of food for our local food bank?  If I can't go visit the sick or those that are home bound, can I send a card with a chatty letter?  I need to find more ways to do actual works of mercy as my faith calls me to do.

     Dynamic Catholic says that The Year of Mercy is an invitation to love, kindness, and generosity.  This is an invitation that is open to all of us.  Mercy has no limits.  We should all show mercy, do mercy, give mercy.  How much better can our world be if we were all focused on mercy...not just this year, but always?!